Like the title says:

I GOTTA PICK UP THE PACE.

or I'll end up sucking at my exams, or even worst, I might not be able to do it on time.
I am waiting for something but I don't know what it is that I'm waiting for.

I wonder if I can be a good doctor if I'm always wishing that I am doing something other than medicine, like every day.

Geh. I'm just being whiny and not appreciating what I already have.

If I really do manage to survive the next 4 years and a half, and actually become a doctor... and then finish my 10-years contract with the government, I think I want to quit being a doctor and study something I like, like International Relations. Maybe I'll be a tour guide for a year or two. I might even try to be a kindergarten teacher. I doubt that I'll be able to do this if I got married and have children in the next 15 years because I'm gonna have to support my children and it'd be too selfish of me to do whatever suited me.

Argh. Russia doesn't have much programs that foreign students can join,huh. It kinda sucks. Maybe I'm just looking at the wrong place.

What if I said that out loud to my scholarship providers and all those relatives who believe that I honestly and passionately want to be a doctor?

What if... damn. there's so many thoughts going through my head now.

So, why is that we do the things we do?

......................................................................................................................

Why do we blog?
To tell the world what we're thinking about?
Or is it so that your stalkers will know what you ate for lunch today?
Maybe, it's to fight for a cause that one really cares about?

Well whatever the reasons everyone may have, what I believe to be the main reason as to why people choose to blog is... to attract attention.

Don't you agree? If one only has a blog to keep it as a diary, then one can always make it a private blog and not a public one.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong but I may be right too.
Attracting attention isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you want people's attention to be on when they're in your blog.

So, why do I blog?
This is the question that I actually want to try and answer here.
I'm not sure what I'm blogging for anymore.
I first made this blog so that the people that I know back in Malaysia will know about my updates in Japan.
Then(without me realising it), it was so that I could make others jealous of the things that I did in Japan.
To show them that I'm happy and my condition was way better than whatever condition the readers were in.
That their lives were lame compared to mine.
Of course I didn't realise this then.

Then(after coming back from Japan), it was to write about the drama in my life, so that I would get replies and attention,just plain attention to fill my insecurities, to get rid of my fear of being a lame person with nothing interesting going on my life.
Sometimes, I try to write words that are too big for me so that I can show the world that I can think up great ideas(or so I think), thus making people think that I'm a smart person(or so I hoped).

Then, I came here to Russia and I thought that I'll be blogging about Russia and about whatever I was doing here, just so my friends and family will know what I'm up to and also for the very same selfish reasons I had when I was in Japan.

All the selfish reasons I had but did not realise only appeared to me after I started going for usrahs.
Now, I realise that I had exaggerated quite a number of things just so that it'll be interesting to read.
I'm not so sure but I guess a lot of the time, I was blogging for pathetic reasons.
Not for good reasons like, for improving my grammar or crap like that.

Despite all the negative things that I've said about myself, there are lots of times too when I had written sincerely.
Like, when I write about whatever cultural stuff, it really was written so that people would learn.
Or like when I write down some of my sorrows, those were really so that someone could reply and give me some advice.

Now that I know the selfish reasons that I have had before, I hope that I would not blog for those reasons again.
I'm only human but I'll try. I'll try to think of why I want to blog before I start typing out an entry.

..................................................................................................................................

I don't know about you guys but I believe it's time that we think about why is it that we do the things we do, not only blogging but from why we're sitting in front of our computers now, to why we get up in the morning.

Just something to ponder upon while you drink whatever it is you may be drinking today. Is your reason a proper one? If it isn't, then maybe you shouldn't do those things, or maybe you should just find a proper reason for it. Whatever it is, hope everyone will have a nice day today.

...until the meaning that they carry are carried out by those who speak it.

Just a reminder to myself so that I will practice what I preach.

....................................................................................................................................


Today, my darling tau foo far had betrayed me. Because of it I couldn't go for PT today. :(

Oh, tau foo far! How could you??

....................................................................................................................................

I've been missing home a lot lately. I thought I would never get this homesick but I guess Russia is just too cold for me.

I miss my siblings like crazy and I miss Ria the most because I haven't had any contact with her for 2 months now.
Everytime I look back to when I could be a proper older sister to my younger siblings, I wish that I could have done better.
I wish that I could have scolded the idiots who bullied or played around with them.
I wish that I could have taught them more about the basics of our deen.
I wish that I could have been nicer and had not called them stupid just because their results weren't as good as mine.
I wish I could have been more supportive of whatever that they were doing.
I wish that I had practiced what I preached.
I wish that I could turn back time now.
If I had been a better sister, maybe my sister would be different.
If I had only given the bullies what they deserved, would things have been different?
I wish I can be there for my siblings now, to teach them what I can, to guide them, to help them...
but would me being there now really make any difference?

I don't think I'll ever know.

I think the main reason that I would want to quit here and start over in Malaysia is because I want to run away from the mess that I currently am in now. I'm too lazy to clean up my own mess.

All the reasons that I had written in the colourful ' STAY or LEAVE' mind map that I made weren't really important. Who am I kidding anyway?
One little orange cloud read 'Russia is stunting my growth'.Like WTF? Another one read 'I want to be there for my siblings'. Another WTF?
Like, why didn't I think of that BEFORE I came here,right?

Anyway, all of you would most probably not understand what I'm saying now but it's okay. I'm speaking more to myself now. Goodbye.