The most important thing that I've learned so far(in my shitty experience as a first year medical student who only had a shitty foundation) and that I believe is very important for everyone to know is :

TO NOT GO TO THAT SHITTY COLLEGE CALLED NIRWANA FOR YOUR FOUNDATION.
At least, don't take their short course. If you're really serious about doing medicine, you have to make sure that you've got a proper foundation. So, what if Nirwana provides a very short foundation course??? It's short but your foundation won't be a good one! You want to be a freaking doctor, right??? How in the world are you suppose to save your patient when you've got a shitty foundation before you did your degree?? Let me explain how important your foundation is.

When you start the first year of your degree, you're going to learn a bit of chemistry, biology, physics and a lot of anatomy. You're suppose to learn A-levels/STPM/matriculation level chemistry, biology and physics in your foundation. Now, when you go to a shitty foundation that only teaches you what you ALREADY KNOW from SPM, not what you DON'T KNOW and not the STPM level of whatever you're suppose to know, guess what will happen when you start your degree?

You'll be struggling, man. Like seriously. Instead of being able to focus on what the teacher is teaching you in your degree, you'd have to do EXTRA work since you won't understand what the teacher is teaching, since your foundation is shit and you only know what you've learned for SPM. Of course, the teacher expects you to know what she is teaching about since you're suppose to have a foundation/diploma/STPM/matriculation where you should have learned the basics of what she's teaching. Unfortunately, that's not the case with you since you would only have a shitty foundation that didn't teach you what you really should know about, i.e: shit that you're suppose to know in STPM/A-Levels/Matrix!!

Now, when this happens... you won't be able to focus on what the teacher is teaching, since you won't understand what she's talking about! You'd have to borrow books or ask friends who ACTUALLY had a PROPER foundation(who are all older than you because they are willing to sacrifice time to get a proper foundation) to teach you. I'm sure they'll be amazed at your lack of knowledge. Ooohhh, I can see someone's ego deflating! When you do ask these friends, it's not like they'll be able to help you ALL the time. They're students just like you, it's just that they'll have an easier time studying, seeing how they understand what the teacher is teaching.  You, unlike them, have to spend the time that you're suppose to use for your first year studies, to study what you're suppose to learn in your foundation!! Argh. You'd feel like you lack the time. Heck, even people who had proper foundation would feel like they don't have the time,so just try and imagine how you would feel.

If you get stuck in a class where you're the only one who had a shitty foundation... imagine the stress you'll go through... You'd be the only clueless one during class. Oh,man. It sucks to be in that situation, that's for sure. Hey, I was stuck in that situation for a freaking year. You can trust me when I say that it sucks.

Seriously, if you plan to study medicine, please do go for a proper foundation. If you don't, it'll start a chain of unneeded and time-wasting reactions. For example, in your first year, you'd be busy trying to learn on your own what you're suppose to learn in foundation instead of focusing on the things that you are actually learning in your first year. Then, in your 2nd year, you'd be busy trying to catch up with what you should have learned in your 1st year and end up not being able to focus on your 2nd year and this whole thing will go on and on and on and on...!! You get what I mean?

It's okay if you lose a year or two in order to get a proper foundation. You can trust me on that. At least you won't be struggling when you're doing your degree in medicine. Your first year is very important because you'll be learning the basics of everything that has to do with you being a doctor-ANATOMY!! It's very important that you're able to focus on studying that properly because only when you can understand the basics of anatomy can you understand how people get sick and how you can treat the illness that you're patient is suffering.

If you're coming to Russia to study medicine or if you're going to study anywhere in the world, and you're going through an AGENT.. please, please, please don't believe everything that you're agents say. They don't really care about your welfare, they just want your money. I doubt the existence of any agent that actually cares about the students they're sending overseas and not cheating those students of a lot of money at the same time.

Anyway, I went to Nirwana because my agent told me of it. If someone had warned me earlier about the shitty situation that I'd be in if I did a shitty foundation before doing a degree,whatmore a medical degree..I would have sat for a proper foundation instead. Of course, I didn't know that Nirwana's short foundation was a shitty one before I got in. Heck, I never even heard about Nirwana until the agent mentioned its name. If your agent is telling you to go to Nirwana/Lincoln to save time and you are someone who just finished SPM and had never gone for STPM/A-Levels/Matrix, please don't. It'll be okay if you have done STPM/A-Levels/Matrix before, because you had actually done a foundation. I'd say go for it to these people but not to people who only did SPM. But, if you're confident that you can make it, then please go ahead.

If you still do want to go ahead, I suggest you find friends who would be in the same situation as you(meaning, fresh from SPM and didn't have a proper foundation) and make sure you guys are in the same class, that is if you're coming to my university which is in Moscow. I don't know how other universities work. Anyway, by doing so, you guys can help each other out since you'd be together in the 'clueless-in-class' situation. Make sure you're not alone. It's too difficult to study everything on your own, unless you're a super genius,  but why in the world are you not a government-sponsored student then?

The shitty experience that I have experienced during my first year had made me lose confidence in my intellect, eventhough I was a student who got 9As and 1B for my SPM. Okay, I don't feel totally stupid but still, you wouldn't want to feel that way, trust me.

The core for all the problems that I'm facing with my studies now is my shitty foundation. I hope that someone can at least learn something from my mistake and not do what I did. Lastly, please forgive my overusage of the term 'shitty' and also the long and winding post.

Whatever good that you received from this came from Allah, and whatever bad came from me.

Assalamualaikum

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

I feel like I'm in a bloody mess that I can't get out from. Just when I thought I'm out, I get right back in. I've never felt like this before. I feel like I'm so screwed up and it's all because of my studies.

I know that I should be studying but I'm doing something else instead. What in the world is wrong with me?

I blame myself for this mess I'm in... but things mostly turned out the way it did because of unexpected factors.

I wouldn't know that Nirwana was a shit college before I applied, I didn't think that it would be bother me that much that I didn't have a proper foundation before starting my degree in medicine, I was positive that everything would turn out okay but it isn't okay. I'm struggling through my studies and never in my life had I felt as stupid and as hopeless in my studies as I am now. Never! I hate feeling like an idiot in my class. I hate it that everyone understands what the teacher is teaching and I don't have a clue about the lesson. I hate it that I'm the only one in my class who never had a proper foundation before coming here. I hate it that I'm the only one like this in my class. I hate it. I really do hate it.

Inside, I really am depressed that I've turned out this way. I feel like my pride has been stamped on. What the hell? I'm a student who got 9As and 1B for her freaking SPM!! I was much more hardworking than this! My SPM results is the best compared to all my other classmates! Just how the hell did I end up so low in my studies?? The pressure from my classmates who actually know and understand what they're reading or studying is stressing me out. No, they didn't pressure me on purpose. The pressure that I got is just from looking at them studying.

Maybe if I am in a class where there were other girls who came here with only the shitty foundation that Nirwana had, maybe, just maybe things would have been better for me. I hate this feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I want to start everything anew. Go back and do a proper foundation before coming here to do a degree. Never had I imagined that I would end up feeling so damn stupid and clueless in my studies. Now, I know how Ria feels. Now, I know how Z feels. Now, I know... I'll try to never think that they're lazy and stupid ever again.

I just want to get the freaking exams done and over with now. If I didn't have to think about the quality of my results because of my scholarship, I would have just been happy with a 3 for everything. I'd be back home now, instead of feeling like an idiot,trying to study things that I don't understand in the first place.

I'm afraid that this feeling is bringing me further away from god... I don't want that to happen. I don't deserve to ask god for anything. I don't deserve anything from anyone, especially from god. I don't deserve to be doing a medical degree, when I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. There's so many other people out there who deserves to be doing this degree instead of me. I feel like I'm taking what is rightfully theirs.

I'm sure that this is a test, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to get through this. Not when I'm alone. There's noone who totally understands my situation right now. Noone. It sucks. I don't know if I'll ever get over this stage of my life. Will I be able to start fresh again next year... or will I continue this shitty thing I've got going on now? I don't know. I honestly don't know and it's making me even more depressed just thinking about this.

bismillahirrahmanirrahim... praise be upon Allah and his messenger, Muhammad...

I'm thinking about so many things now... I'll save you guys the bad news. :)

One good thing I can tell you guys is that, Ali will be holidaying in Sarawak with me!! Alhamdulillah! I really do hope that things will go according to plan. :) Ali has already booked her flight, so, so far, God willing, we will be cruising Kuching together in early July. :P

I'm so thankful. Alhamdulillah! I'm so glad. Seriously... Chatting with her has managed to calm  my nerves a bit.

You know, I've noticed that my heart has been beating really fast lately. I pity my heart... It has to do extra work just to provide oxygen for its stressed owner. I'll try to relax more... I don't want my heart to stop from overworking now, would I?

Anyway, I had two games of Scrabble with my mom on Facebook just now. That was fun. :D I haven't played Scrabble with my mom in AGES. Okay, maybe not ages..not even a decade actually but close to a decade. Okay, maybe half a decade. I'm not sure. :P
Well, I beat my mum first and she won in the second game. Her vocabulary of two-lettered words is SUPERB! Who'd know that there were so many two-lettered words in the world? Definitely not me. :P

Thank you, Allah for providing me with a relaxing day as today. :) I pray that You will bless me in everything that I do, say and think. Please grant me the opportunity to go back home to Malaysia in peace, without any pending exams or colloquims weighing on my mind. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin...

I pray that everyone is having a better time. :)

bismillahirrahmanirrahim... alhamdulillah,alhamdulillah,alhamdulillah...

I got an e-mail from my teacher in SAMURA. Alhamdulillah, she's a wife now and her wedding had gone smoothly. :)
I also got a message from my Cu on facebook. Thank you for caring about me. Reading the messages from my loved ones is a real morale-booster and it came at a nice timing too because I'm feeling kinda down right now.

Alhamdulillah. Certainly, all the praises in the world only deserves to be given to god. I have finally passed my CNS colloquim today with Nadeshda. She was so kind. Eventhough I didn't know a lot of things... and she didn't ask me about the tracts. I'd die if she did. So, I've finally gotten all my zachuts for my 2nd semester.

I went to the dean's office to get the dopusk to seat for chemistry exam tomorrow and somehow got myself called a bad student by the vice-dean. TT_________TT  I've never been called a bad student by any teacher in my whole life. TT__________TT
I guess I really am,huh. I have not been taking my studies seriously anyway. I guess I do deserve to be called one. :(

I have so many things going on in my mind now and so many things that I want to do but I won't write down those things right now just in case things wouldn't turn out the way I want it to be.. 

On another note, Fariq is so nice now. Details on why I'm saying so will be explained later, insyaAllah. For now, I want to take a shower, have a cold drink and then study my ass off for chemistry, God help me please.

Alhamdulillah.. and assalamualaikum..

bismillah..

today is my biology exam. hurrah..
I haven't studied enough for it yet but I'll still try to do the exam anyway. If I can't do it well, I'll just repeat it. I am going back on the 1st of July after all. Thank god for making me change my flight date. At least, I don't have to rush so much. As for CNS, I have no idea when I'll be able to do that because I don't know when there will be any teachers in the Morphology department.

I'm praying for the best eventhough I haven't done my best. Haih... Okay,then people. Off to study some more before the dreaded time comes. Assalamualaikum...