Nanchatte?

Merry Christmas.

2009-12-26T12:08:56Z

Yes, I do realize that Christmas was yesterday but better late than never.
Anyway, I hope that all my family and friends who celebrate Christmas had had a great one. :)

I don't have much to say so, I guess this is it for now.
Oh, wait. Yesterday, I got to talk with Auntie Noami, thanks to my bro, Nico.
It was quite an awkward moment because I was silent most of the time...but I wasn't silent on purpose. I was trying to fix my webcam... :(
Sorry, Auntie Noami for making the situation awkward. :(
That's all I guess.
As the samurais say... サラバジャ~

selfish love

2009-12-25T02:17:17Z

I know that I've only been thinking of myself lately and I find this to be bad for my health.
haha.

While I'm moping around, feeling bad for myself, there are many more people out there who are suffering more than me.
This thought only struck me when a friend of mine told me that she was diagnosed with 4th stage colon cancer 3 months ago.
She has not been attending classes properly too, though my attendance is worst compared to hers.
I wanted to cry when she told me this while we were on the metro...
I immediately took her hand then and while she was explaining to me what happened, I thought...
Damn. I've been really selfish. I only want to complain to my friends but I don't bother to keep track of their lives. I'm such a selfish bitxh. :'(((

Anyway,, after she went to do a biopsy at another hospital and not at the hospital where she got her diagnosis..... It turns out that she has no problems with her colon at all!
The previous hospital accidentally changed her medical report with another patient's!!
WTF??
Thank god she didn't really have cancer. You know, she only found out that she didn't have cancer last week. She has suffered a lot during the past 3 months because she thought she was going to die really soon.

Well, anyway... My point is that,I've been too selfish, it kinda sickens me. :(
Le sigh.

All-nighter

2009-12-24T00:13:38Z

So, I guess I must have shocked my parents today when I told them that I wanted to go home ASAP despite having exams real soon.
Meh.
I want to avoid having any negative feelings about myself now, since that would only make me all the less motivated to get over this thing I'm going through.

Owhkay. I was just about to say something negative about myself. Haha.

Anyway, I was reading the Quran today and I actually cried because not even 3 minutes into reading it from where I last finished, I came upon this verse:

"Dan janganlah kamu (merasa) lemah, dan jangan (pula) bersedih hati, sebab kamu paling tinggi (derajatnya), jika kamu orang beriman." 3:139

I'm sorry that it's in Malay and not in English or Arabic. I'm not confident enough to translate it to English and I'm writing this on my iPod so I can't exactly copy paste things.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that that verse left a strong impression on me since I have been feeling weak and sad for the whole semester... Alhamdulillah. Subhanallah.
I might be exaggerating but it almost felt like it was written for me. Haha. Not that I deserve any special treatment from god. :P
It was a great morale booster. :D

Well, I pray that everyone is having a better time. :)

I've forgotten...

2009-12-22T20:12:06Z

All this while, I believed that this is the first time that I've gone through something like this.
I've forgotten but now I remember.
My mom was the one to remind me...
I've faced this before... when I was in boarding school.
Yeah, now I remember.
I remember always calling my mother at my block's public phone, and crying to her and telling how much I want to change schools.
I remember feeling depressed when I see my dorm mates studying while I'm just lying around on my bed.
Haha. Okay, I wasn't really like that. I was quite studious too, but not as studious as my dorm mates.
Thank god none of them were my classmates then.

Despite all that, I can only look back fondly on my memories in boarding school.
Sure I have some regrets from then, but I have to admit that boarding school proved to be quite fun.
I don't remember how I managed to not only survive but also to have fun in boarding school.
I really need to know how I did it then...because I really need to survive the next two months.

Was it because I had supporting friends who were there to cheer me up when I was down?
Was it because I had tried my best to carry out the responsibilities that I had then?
Was it because the teachers were all really supporting and because there were counselors that we could actually turn to for advice?
Was it because I didn't really slack off on my duties as a servant of God?
Because I was always praying to god then and because I had tried somewhat hard enough to make things better for myself?
Was it because I could go home at least once a month and actually see my family then? (Being able to see my family again was always my motivation to slog through life then. Everytime I feel like life was getting too hard, I'd always remind myself how long more I had before being able to be back home again, which had always been at worst, 3 weeks,unlike now.)
Was it because boarding school had everything planned out for its students, and we didn't have to do anything but to study and follow the school rules, unlike now where we are the ones to decide EVERYTHING that we do?
Was it because it was only school and it's not like I was really doing something that would decide how my life would be until I die, unlike now?
Was it because I actually knew what the hell I was studying and had to study?
Was it because I somewhat enjoyed at least SOME of what I was studying then, UNLIKE NOW?

You know... even if I do somehow manage to get over this semester properly... I'm not sure if I won't go through this phase again in the future.
I definitely DO NOT WANT to go through this feeling of uncertainty and doubt EVERY.SINGLE.SEMESTER in the next NINE semesters that I have left here.
I'm not strong enough for that and it's just too tiring for me to go through this for the next 4 years and a half.
I guess my fear of this happening again in the future, or of this current one continuing and neverending is the one that's making me contemplate on whether I really want to do medicine.

Dear, God. Please help me to decide PERMANENTLY on whatever it is that is best for me.
For now, I would be happy with just being able to pass this semester and finish my exams before the new semester begins.

The first step.

2009-12-22T19:34:48Z

Taking the first step out of this self-damaging phase that I'm going through is really tough.
I don't think that I have taken that first step yet.
I'm afraid to face a lot of people, especially my groupmates and lecturers.
I'm afraid to face the consequences that I know will make me want to cry even more,
BUT things are only going to get worst if I don't take that first step real soon.
Time isn't and never will be waiting for me.
That, I honestly know.
Yet, I still foolishly live as if it will and it is.
I cannot afford to waste anymore time contemplating on WHEN I have to take that first step.
I have to just do it, but alas... like my mother said,
I think too much.
I wish that I'm at least as impulsive as my father.
At least I would have done something instead of wasting my time thinking of doing something and ending up NOT doing anything.

I just noticed.

2009-12-21T23:28:34Z

I've been trying to find the words to describe what I have been doing up till now and I just found the right words!

I guess my actions of late(and for a very long time already) seem to show that I'm trying to defy something, though I have no idea what that something is.
I mean, I know what it is that I should be doing and what it is that I shouldn't be doing BUT I'm NOT doing whatever it is that I should be doing and instead, I'm DOING stuff that I SHOULDN'T be doing.
I'm definitely trying to DEFY something but just what in the world am I trying to defy?
Damn, I have no bloody idea.

Another thing that I noticed is that I keep on postponing making important and significant decisions, as if I'm waiting for something.
I guess I'm waiting for something much more desirable to come along but all this waiting is working against me.
Just look at where I am now. I guess I should just take whatever is in front of me...or shouldn't I?

haha. My mom's right. She told me that I think too much. Now I know why I have all that gray hair despite only being 19, and I've been having gray hair since I was 13.

Oh, so tiring.

2009-12-21T22:48:08Z

Being depressed is oh, so tiring.

So, I had a talk with my mom about how I felt. I couldn't express everything I felt though(I was afraid of breaking down during our call.haha). The conversation didn't give a definite or desirable conclusion to what I'm going through but I have an idea of what my short-term goal is now.

For now, I just want to get this semester done and over with, but of course with my exams settled on time.
The problem now is that, to be able to do my exams on time, I would first have to get all my zachuts(credits).
That is a bloody big problem because... in order to get one's zachut, one would have to pass all of their colloquims first.
The amount of unsettled colloquims that I have definitely outweighs the amount of colloquims that I have settled.
This all thanks to the bloody truant that is me.

Just thinking of the amount of colloquims that I have to do makes me want to give up on life and continue to lie on my bed.
Even if I do get my zachuts before the exams, I doubt that I'd be able to perform for my exams since there is just so much to study.

If I somehow manage to do my exams on time, I would definitely change groups next semester, cut my hair real short and get the hell out of Moscow during my winter holidays. New semester, new start baby. Well, if everything goes to plan and anything can happen.

I'm thinking of buying a ticket to London, like now. Just so that I would have no choice but to work my butt off in order to not let my ticket go to waste.

I would definitely love to go back to Malaysia instead but I really don't think that spending RM3500 for a 2 weeks stay at home is worth the money.

I have no right to complain because we reap what we sow and I really do deserve to be in this shitty situation. Meh.

My eyes still hurt from all that unnecessary crying.

Oh, btw. My dad called me a few hours back. I bet he heard about this from my mom. Haha, but it's nice to hear my parents' voice.
Damn, I miss home a lot.

It's not enough.

2009-12-21T09:17:26Z

Being strong is not enough to get me through this.
What's the use of being strong if you don't know what is that you have to be strong for?
What's the use of being strong if you don't know what is it that you have to do in the first place?
I can do it!
But how the hell can I do it?
How am I suppose to do IT?
Just what the hell is IT?
i'm fed up of feeling like this.
I don't want to have to go through this every fcking semester.
Just how the hell can I ever get over this?
Just what the hell is holding me back?
Can I just stop being so damn depressing?
I know that most people won't be able to understand what I'm going through.
I don't blame them.
My life seems damn perfect on the outside.
It's no wonder if noone can accept the fact that I can't bring myself to go to classes every single day.
It doesn't take one to be a bloody rocket scientist to know that.
I feel like running away from everyone an everything.
To go on a solitary journey to somewhere for sometime.
Life isn't so simple.
Haha.
I deserve to get a beating from someone.
Urghhh!!
damn it all...

Rot.

2009-12-20T21:57:41Z

Fuck it all , man.
Can I just die now, god?
I'm so fed up with myself.
I just don't know why I can't bring myself to get up from this shithole I'm in.
This is so depressing, damn it.
I feel like I'm gonna fall sick.
I have a headache and I feel like throwing up, just from being fed up with myself.
Okay, so what if I'm exaggerating.
Damn it.
I want to go home.
I know that I won't be able to pass the exams this semester peacefully.
I'm going to have so much problems.
I hate myself.
Damn it.
Haha.
I don't deserve sympathy from anyone.
It breaks my heart to have people telling me that I can do it because I know I can do it... but I can't bring myself to do so..
What the hell...oh,my god.
I feel like just withdrawing from the world.
Can I just take another fucking year or at least six months off?
I wish I don't have a scholarship now, but I'm just not being grateful.
If I don't have a scholarship, then how the hell am I suppose to continue studying,huh?
Using my parents money?
Fuck that lah.
I have 4 younger siblings and I can't afford to be selfish.
Let me die already, please.
Please don't let my negativeness affect anyone.
Damn it.

I should just disappear and not disturb anyone with my damn existence.

Miyavi

2009-12-16T21:59:48Z

So, recently... I have gotten hooked with this crazy Japanese rock star who goes by the name, MIYAVI.

Guess how I first noticed this dude?

Well, I was simply browsing for Yama-P's new dramas and I stumbled on this gossip website...and something caught my eye.

"Miyavi marries Melody"

.... or something like that. When I saw that title, I was curious to know which one was the guy and which one was the girl.. so, I clicked on the link and there was a picture of both of them(not together). Well, I knew then that Melody is the girl but damn this Miyavi dude looks like a girl.

So, I googled for his pictures, just to see how he really looks like and.......*sigh*

damn, he's beautiful.
I mean, he's even more beautiful than a lot of the girls that I know. He's obviously more beautiful than me. :P

Honestly, I've never seen a guy as beautiful as Miyavi is.

No, seriously... he's BEAUTIFUL.

I bet he can dress like a girl and noone would notice that he's actually a guy.

Then, I somehow got to his Myspace and read his blog. OMG. He seems like a really loving guy who's really passionate about what he's doing(making music) and he like, loves everyone, especially his fans. He got married earlier this year and recently got a baby.
I read his blog entry where he asks the fans of his wife to accept him and how he says to them that he wishes he would prove to be worthy of their idol. So sweet!

I haven't even listened to his music yet and I have fallen for this dude. He is just so sincere. Well, at least that's what his blog entries seem to present him to be. :)

So, I started youtube-ing for his videos. I don't like some of his music but some(especially the slow ones) have really gotten to me. His lyrics are mostly nice and meaningful. I don't really get his fast,screaming songs(because I can't catch what he's saying.haha) but I'm sure that they have wonderful meanings too.

Just when I thought that he couldn't be more perfect than this(beautiful, tall, good lyricist, sincere, loving, knows how to have fun)

.... then I saw a video of him going crazy on a guitar...

Okay, dude. You like... totally got me there.

Haha. No, seriously.

So, yeah, he kisses guys but I don't know. I guess it's the pressure from the fans. Pfft..

Well,anyway, if you are looking for some good lyrics, Miyavi is definitely someone you have to check out. It's no wonder that he has a worldwide fanbase now. He just has this vibe that just draws people to him(eventhough some people might find his hyperness really annoying). I guess it's his sincerity. Yep. That must be it.

Do you know that Miyavi is the first Japanese rockstar to do a worldwide tour? That's just how awesome he is.
It sucks that some of his songs seem to signify that he doesn't believe in god. :( Oh, well. Most Japanese seem like that to me anyway.

Anyway, the main reason I wrote this entry isn't really to introduce you guys to Miyavi. It's really to say that I'm really moved and impressed by this guy's sincerity and passion in both his work and words. He's really hardworking. He works really hard for his fans(too hard, I guess. He fainted before).

I really do hope that I can be as sincere and as passionate as Miyavi is...though not in music, but in my studies instead. So that I can be a good doctor who can help her patients as much as she can.

I guess, he's one of my inspirations now. I hope to be as hardworking as he is.
Thanks, Miyavi. :) I hope this dude will continue to make more beautiful music(and also that he will embrace god. haha)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2009-12-14T09:41:49Z

I just want to run as fast and as far as I can and scream!!
TT______________TT

It's just not possible. It just isn't. Unless I go to some jungle by myself.

Urgh. Sometimes I wish that I don't have a laptop.

When the hell am I going to get out of this mess that I'm in?
How long am I going to just stay here and let my life pass by wastefully?
OH.MY.GOD.
What the fuck is wrong with me.....

Dear God,
why are you letting someone like me to continue living?
Sometimes I wish that I'd just drop dead.
End of story.
But that isn't going to happen now, is it?

Fuck.

lack of faith

2009-12-13T22:42:19Z

you know.. i really like this picture. i took it in Kyoto more than 2 years ago. :)

....................................................................................................

I made a deviantArt account 2 weeks ago, but I only started posting pictures two days ago.
I really like how a lot of the pictures I took turned out. If I'm not that satisfied with the picture, I would just edit it using PhotoScape or Paint.Net. I unfortunately do not have Adobe Photoshop... I'm too poor to afford it. Haha.
Anyway, seeing how some of my pictures can turn out really nice just proves to me that I don't necessarily need a DSLR to take good pictures because you see, I only have a point-and-shoot camera to my name.
Looking at nice pictures just puts me at peace, though not for long.

hey,there..mind stabbing me?

2009-12-09T19:01:10Z

just so that I can get this life done and over with already.

___________________________________________________

You know... I'm thinking of changing groups..
I need a change of environment. I've changed my room and I'm really glad that I did because my current roommates are cool. :)
Of course, nothing is perfect but we gotta give and take.

I want to change groups and I have been contemplating about this since last semester.
I just want to list down the reasons why I want and don't want to change groups..

WANT:
1. My groupmates and I are a bunch of truants(except for one girl) and I'm the worst of the bunch.
2. There is no healthy competition going on(academically, we all suck and we don't even bother to compete with each other, maybe there is competition, but it isn't for a good reason..at least, that's what I think)
3. Too much drama(I think everybody has something against everybody in this group, whether they notice it or not)
4. We aren't really the type to go out of our own way to help each other out. We do, but not always. I don't really mind this but it sucks,nonetheless.
5. Most of them are selfish. Everyone only wants to help themselves. This is true most of the time.
6. We are not united and this is definitely not a good thing for the long run(we're suppose to be in the same group until we graduate). I mean, I've found myself coming to class a few times only to find out that it is canceled only AFTER calling my classmates to ask them where the HECK they are. Why, thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it. If only you could have told me BEFORE the freaking class. Man, there are too many situations in which the disunity in our group is apparent. Just thinking about those times makes my blood boil.
7. I just need the change.
8. I like my groupmates... I really do, but I don't think that me continuing to be in this group would be good for my education. I get caught up in their nonchalant ways...which is bad... I really only have myself to blame for this but I don't think I have the will or strength to be the only hardworking girl with great attendance...(meaning I don't want to be the odd one out)
9. I just want a new start.

DON'T WANT:
1. My current groupmates are fun to be around when one is NOT studying.
2. I don't want to cause any rifts by changing groups
3. I'm afraid that the group that I move to would prove to be worst than my current one.

So, I have one group in mind if I were to change group and that group is made up of only Chinese. I'm okay with everyone in that group and I guess they're okay with me too. I don't find any of them unpleasant and we have not been in any rifts or anything like that. I'm thinking that I might get more hardworking if I were to move into a Chinese-only group seeing how they are really hardworking and really strife to get a 5 for all their colloquims,plus their attendance is great compared to my group's. I have some fears of changing to this group though. I'm just afraid that they might not welcome me joining their group and I'm also afraid that I might not be able to handle the pressure from being in a very studious group. I fear that they might be selfish too... I don't know what to do?

I find it interesting how the Malay seniors would say that Chinese are greedy with what they know(meaning they won't share everything that they know with you). I have had Chinese classmates in the past and I don't think that they are so.. Well, my classmates were not kiasu... I don't knowlah.. I have to see how things goes. One thing is for sure, I cannot let things stay the way they are.

I love songs with good lyrics.

2009-12-07T20:36:40Z

Don't you love songs with good lyrics too?

I could only cringe in my mind when I see people going crazy about songs that don't really have any deep meaning, or worst, songs that are only about getting it down with the other sex or something.

Well, it's totally up to each individual to choose what they listen to but I guess the amount of crap that's being played on the radio and on tv just comes to show how most people nowadays think, or at least how most people who are actually exposed to music, think.

I turn to music for comfort when I don't have anyone other than God to listen to me.
Anyway, I'd like to share with everyone some of my favourite bands/artists whom I feel actually produce good music with equally good lyrics.

First up, LINKIN PARK.

Well, I haven't been listening to them lately but I still think that they are one of the best bands to ever exist in this world. Their lyrics... I don't think that even one song of theirs have any unnecessary lyrics. :)

2. RADWIMPS

Well, they do have some funny lyrics but a lot of their songs have really touched me :')

3. MIYAVI

This here is one crazy guy(no, he really is crazy) but his lyrics are mostly deep and makes you stop and think about what he's singing about.
Plus, he's adorable and he seems like a very sincere dude who loves everyone, especially his fans.

4. GOOD CHARLOTTE

This band was responsible for me going punk rock when I was 13. I have to say that I only really loved their first 3 albums. I think that they have gone more mainstream now, which is sad, I guess. I miss their positive lyrics... their songs are kinda depressing now.

5. SIMPLE PLAN

I only like their first 2 albums. Actually, I like their first album the best. I used to believe that they are making music just because they love it, but I don't believe that anymore. :( I don't know... They seem pretentious now. Anyway, I still do love their first two works.

6. SUM 41

Their lyrics are mostly about how rotten we humans are(that's just what I think LOL. ok, I was just joking). I listen to them to keep myself in check.

7. YELLOWCARD

<3, nuff said

8. ORANGE RANGE

Not all their songs have deep meanings but when they have a song that does... man... it makes you wanna cry... TT________TT
Okay, so I might have exaggerated a bit but I have cried when I listened to their song 'Hana'.

9. Jason Mraz

His songs will never fail to make me smile when I listen to them. :)

10. Sheila On 7

One of the few Malay/Indonesian artistes that I like. Their lyrics are nice. So are their tunes...

11. AVRIL LAVIGNE

I love how her songs make me just want to take on the world. I don't know how her latest album is but I'm sure that it rocks.

Well... I have always loved music and I don't think I can ever come to dislike it....

Gotta pick up the pace

2009-11-30T21:58:24Z

Like the title says:

I GOTTA PICK UP THE PACE.

or I'll end up sucking at my exams, or even worst, I might not be able to do it on time.
I am waiting for something but I don't know what it is that I'm waiting for.

I wonder if I can be a good doctor if I'm always wishing that I am doing something other than medicine, like every day.

Geh. I'm just being whiny and not appreciating what I already have.

If I really do manage to survive the next 4 years and a half, and actually become a doctor... and then finish my 10-years contract with the government, I think I want to quit being a doctor and study something I like, like International Relations. Maybe I'll be a tour guide for a year or two. I might even try to be a kindergarten teacher. I doubt that I'll be able to do this if I got married and have children in the next 15 years because I'm gonna have to support my children and it'd be too selfish of me to do whatever suited me.

Argh. Russia doesn't have much programs that foreign students can join,huh. It kinda sucks. Maybe I'm just looking at the wrong place.

I don't want to be a doctor.

2009-11-29T18:27:16Z

What if I said that out loud to my scholarship providers and all those relatives who believe that I honestly and passionately want to be a doctor?

What if... damn. there's so many thoughts going through my head now.

Why do we do the things we do?

2009-11-16T09:08:53Z

So, why is that we do the things we do?

......................................................................................................................

Why do we blog?
To tell the world what we're thinking about?
Or is it so that your stalkers will know what you ate for lunch today?
Maybe, it's to fight for a cause that one really cares about?

Well whatever the reasons everyone may have, what I believe to be the main reason as to why people choose to blog is... to attract attention.

Don't you agree? If one only has a blog to keep it as a diary, then one can always make it a private blog and not a public one.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong but I may be right too.
Attracting attention isn't always a bad thing, depending on what you want people's attention to be on when they're in your blog.

So, why do I blog?
This is the question that I actually want to try and answer here.
I'm not sure what I'm blogging for anymore.
I first made this blog so that the people that I know back in Malaysia will know about my updates in Japan.
Then(without me realising it), it was so that I could make others jealous of the things that I did in Japan.
To show them that I'm happy and my condition was way better than whatever condition the readers were in.
That their lives were lame compared to mine.
Of course I didn't realise this then.

Then(after coming back from Japan), it was to write about the drama in my life, so that I would get replies and attention,just plain attention to fill my insecurities, to get rid of my fear of being a lame person with nothing interesting going on my life.
Sometimes, I try to write words that are too big for me so that I can show the world that I can think up great ideas(or so I think), thus making people think that I'm a smart person(or so I hoped).

Then, I came here to Russia and I thought that I'll be blogging about Russia and about whatever I was doing here, just so my friends and family will know what I'm up to and also for the very same selfish reasons I had when I was in Japan.

All the selfish reasons I had but did not realise only appeared to me after I started going for usrahs.
Now, I realise that I had exaggerated quite a number of things just so that it'll be interesting to read.
I'm not so sure but I guess a lot of the time, I was blogging for pathetic reasons.
Not for good reasons like, for improving my grammar or crap like that.

Despite all the negative things that I've said about myself, there are lots of times too when I had written sincerely.
Like, when I write about whatever cultural stuff, it really was written so that people would learn.
Or like when I write down some of my sorrows, those were really so that someone could reply and give me some advice.

Now that I know the selfish reasons that I have had before, I hope that I would not blog for those reasons again.
I'm only human but I'll try. I'll try to think of why I want to blog before I start typing out an entry.

..................................................................................................................................

I don't know about you guys but I believe it's time that we think about why is it that we do the things we do, not only blogging but from why we're sitting in front of our computers now, to why we get up in the morning.

Just something to ponder upon while you drink whatever it is you may be drinking today. Is your reason a proper one? If it isn't, then maybe you shouldn't do those things, or maybe you should just find a proper reason for it. Whatever it is, hope everyone will have a nice day today.

Words will remain words...

2009-11-16T08:01:51Z

...until the meaning that they carry are carried out by those who speak it.

Just a reminder to myself so that I will practice what I preach.

....................................................................................................................................

Today, my darling tau foo far had betrayed me. Because of it I couldn't go for PT today. :(

Oh, tau foo far! How could you??

....................................................................................................................................

I've been missing home a lot lately. I thought I would never get this homesick but I guess Russia is just too cold for me.

I miss my siblings like crazy and I miss Ria the most because I haven't had any contact with her for 2 months now.
Everytime I look back to when I could be a proper older sister to my younger siblings, I wish that I could have done better.
I wish that I could have scolded the idiots who bullied or played around with them.
I wish that I could have taught them more about the basics of our deen.
I wish that I could have been nicer and had not called them stupid just because their results weren't as good as mine.
I wish I could have been more supportive of whatever that they were doing.
I wish that I had practiced what I preached.
I wish that I could turn back time now.
If I had been a better sister, maybe my sister would be different.
If I had only given the bullies what they deserved, would things have been different?
I wish I can be there for my siblings now, to teach them what I can, to guide them, to help them...
but would me being there now really make any difference?

I don't think I'll ever know.

Running away

2009-11-15T15:20:29Z

I think the main reason that I would want to quit here and start over in Malaysia is because I want to run away from the mess that I currently am in now. I'm too lazy to clean up my own mess.

All the reasons that I had written in the colourful ' STAY or LEAVE' mind map that I made weren't really important. Who am I kidding anyway?
One little orange cloud read 'Russia is stunting my growth'.Like WTF? Another one read 'I want to be there for my siblings'. Another WTF?
Like, why didn't I think of that BEFORE I came here,right?

Anyway, all of you would most probably not understand what I'm saying now but it's okay. I'm speaking more to myself now. Goodbye.

Two Months

2009-10-30T20:16:16Z

It's actually been two months since my last post. and I currently feel like shit. Hurrah.

I don't know what's going on with my life now and I'm not sure how I managed to get into this situation in the first place.
It's too complicated to rant about.
I don't know what I should do first, which is more important and which one shouldn't even be considered.
I hate feeling this way and I have been this way since even before I went back to Malaysia for my holidays which was more than 4 months ago.

I don't want to do this half-heartedly. I don't know if anyone has been in the same situation as me, so I'm not sure if anyone can exactly understand what I'm going through.

I'm sure I will be confused if I were to read this entry again in 3 years time. I don't know what I want anymore.
Are my intentions too selfish? What are my intentions in the first place?

I'm sorry I haven't been updating that often now. First of all, I don't have my own internet and secondly, I find that writing down my feelings on paper to be much more...much more satisfying though it doesn't give me any solution.

I feel so restless now that I can't seem to do anything properly anymore.

I'm signing out now. Bye.

Hi. Can I just die and start over?

2009-08-28T18:49:51Z

Emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emo.emooooooooooooooooooo

I hate being emo. Being emo uses too much energy. I hate myself. I hate what I'm doing and what I'm NOT doing. I hate what I've done and haven't done. I don't deserve anything. I'm just a piece of meat that has a freaking large carbon footprint and that doesn't really need to exist in the first place. I really want to move rooms...please?

Let me start fresh,please? I feel like I want to start over my first year's studies. I don't want to enter my 2nd year yet. :( I'm not ready for my 2nd year. I don't even feel like I've properly finished my 1st year. This sucks. This feeling. Shit. Shit. Shit!!

What am I doing,man? What the hell am I doing?? What the hell am I NOT doing??

I don't want to go back to Moscow right now. This shit freaking sucks.:((((

radwimps, Radwimps, RADWIMPS!!

2009-08-14T02:39:12Z

This band is the awesomest band ever. Okay, I can't say that I'll stick with this band forever but I've been hooked on them from the first time I heard their music. What I love most about the songs they produce are their lyrics. Most of their songs are in Japanese but thankfully, with the little Japanese that I know, I still can roughly understand the whole message of the song. FYI, their songs are mostly with beautiful lyrics. Well, at least their songs are not about having sex or stuff like that, unlike how a lot of the songs on the radio nowadays are about.

Yumebanchi or Dream Address. That was the first song of theirs that I've ever listened to. It's basically about not being able to live your own dream and how you might be living someone else's dream and someone else is living your dream. I can really click with that. Try googling the translation, oh,wait. I have it somewhere in my blog here. I think.

If you're tired of the crap that the radio is spewing nowadays and if you don't mind googling for the translations of their songs, I suggest you guys give Radwimps a try.

Cheers and salam!

shit is shit

2009-08-11T18:18:14Z

that's right.

shit is shit.

nuff said.

It's been a long time.

2009-08-09T10:54:25Z

Salam.

I'm so sorry for the ~~lack~~ non-existent updates for the past 5 weeks. Not that anybody cares of course.
Anyway, I've been busy.. Well, not for the past 2 weeks but besides that I really have been busy.

I currently feel like shit because I'm hating what useless things that I have been doing. I really need to get my shit together and start studying before the new semester starts. I mean, I'm already like shit now,right? I should be turning this shit into gold now. I know I'm crapping. Okay. I'll start now. Right.

Well, alhamdulillah... :) Like finally! I've been back in Malaysia for 5 weeks and I only saw my dad for the first time on Friday. Thank you Terengganu for causing the inability of my dad to come back home to KL often. He's gone back to KT just now. *sobs*

FYI, people. My first 3 weeks of holidays was spent in Sarawak. I actually went to Miri, Bintulu and Sibu. It's crazy. :P

Other than that, my sumuk is here. Well, not in my house. She's currently staying with my dad in KT.

I need to get my shit together and I miss my alone time with god. I've been doing shit on my part as a servant. It's not something that I'm proud of. Definitely.

Okay,then. I'll end the randomness here.

A lesson learnt

2009-06-28T14:04:37Z

The most important thing that I've learned so far(in my shitty experience as a first year medical student who only had a shitty foundation) and that I believe is very important for everyone to know is :

TO NOT GO TO THAT SHITTY COLLEGE CALLED NIRWANA FOR YOUR FOUNDATION.
At least, don't take their short course. If you're really serious about doing medicine, you have to make sure that you've got a proper foundation. So, what if Nirwana provides a very short foundation course??? It's short but your foundation won't be a good one! You want to be a freaking doctor, right??? How in the world are you suppose to save your patient when you've got a shitty foundation before you did your degree?? Let me explain how important your foundation is.

When you start the first year of your degree, you're going to learn a bit of chemistry, biology, physics and a lot of anatomy. You're suppose to learn A-levels/STPM/matriculation level chemistry, biology and physics in your foundation. Now, when you go to a shitty foundation that only teaches you what you ALREADY KNOW from SPM, not what you DON'T KNOW and not the STPM level of whatever you're suppose to know, guess what will happen when you start your degree?

You'll be struggling, man. Like seriously. Instead of being able to focus on what the teacher is teaching you in your degree, you'd have to do EXTRA work since you won't understand what the teacher is teaching, since your foundation is shit and you only know what you've learned for SPM. Of course, the teacher expects you to know what she is teaching about since you're suppose to have a foundation/diploma/STPM/matriculation where you should have learned the basics of what she's teaching. Unfortunately, that's not the case with you since you would only have a shitty foundation that didn't teach you what you really should know about, i.e: shit that you're suppose to know in STPM/A-Levels/Matrix!!

Now, when this happens... you won't be able to focus on what the teacher is teaching, since you won't understand what she's talking about! You'd have to borrow books or ask friends who ACTUALLY had a PROPER foundation(who are all older than you because they are willing to sacrifice time to get a proper foundation) to teach you. I'm sure they'll be amazed at your lack of knowledge. ~~Ooohhh, I can see someone's ego deflating!~~ When you do ask these friends, it's not like they'll be able to help you ALL the time. They're students just like you, it's just that they'll have an easier time studying, seeing how they understand what the teacher is teaching. You, unlike them, have to spend the time that you're suppose to use for your first year studies, to study what you're suppose to learn in your foundation!! Argh. You'd feel like you lack the time. Heck, even people who had proper foundation would feel like they don't have the time,so just try and imagine how you would feel.

If you get stuck in a class where you're the only one who had a shitty foundation... imagine the stress you'll go through... You'd be the only clueless one during class. Oh,man. It sucks to be in that situation, that's for sure. Hey, I was stuck in that situation for a freaking year. You can trust me when I say that it sucks.

Seriously, if you plan to study medicine, please do go for a proper foundation. If you don't, it'll start a chain of unneeded and time-wasting reactions. For example, in your first year, you'd be busy trying to learn on your own what you're suppose to learn in foundation instead of focusing on the things that you are actually learning in your first year. Then, in your 2nd year, you'd be busy trying to catch up with what you should have learned in your 1st year and end up not being able to focus on your 2nd year and this whole thing will go on and on and on and on...!! You get what I mean?

It's okay if you lose a year or two in order to get a proper foundation. You can trust me on that. At least you won't be struggling when you're doing your degree in medicine. Your first year is very important because you'll be learning the basics of everything that has to do with you being a doctor-ANATOMY!! It's very important that you're able to focus on studying that properly because only when you can understand the basics of anatomy can you understand how people get sick and how you can treat the illness that you're patient is suffering.

If you're coming to Russia to study medicine or if you're going to study anywhere in the world, and you're going through an AGENT.. please, please, please don't believe everything that you're agents say. They don't really care about your welfare, they just want your money. I doubt the existence of any agent that actually cares about the students they're sending overseas and not cheating those students of a lot of money at the same time.

Anyway, I went to Nirwana because my agent told me of it. If someone had warned me earlier about the shitty situation that I'd be in if I did a shitty foundation before doing a degree,whatmore a medical degree..I would have sat for a proper foundation instead. Of course, I didn't know that Nirwana's short foundation was a shitty one before I got in. Heck, I never even heard about Nirwana until the agent mentioned its name. If your agent is telling you to go to Nirwana/Lincoln to save time and you are someone who just finished SPM and had never gone for STPM/A-Levels/Matrix, please don't. It'll be okay if you have done STPM/A-Levels/Matrix before, because you had actually done a foundation. I'd say go for it to these people but not to people who only did SPM. But, if you're confident that you can make it, then please go ahead.

If you still do want to go ahead, I suggest you find friends who would be in the same situation as you(meaning, fresh from SPM and didn't have a proper foundation) and make sure you guys are in the same class, that is if you're coming to my university which is in Moscow. I don't know how other universities work. Anyway, by doing so, you guys can help each other out since you'd be together in the 'clueless-in-class' situation. Make sure you're not alone. It's too difficult to study everything on your own, unless you're a super genius, but why in the world are you not a government-sponsored student then?

The shitty experience that I have experienced during my first year had made me lose confidence in my intellect, eventhough I was a student who got 9As and 1B for my SPM. Okay, I don't feel totally stupid but still, you wouldn't want to feel that way, trust me.

The core for all the problems that I'm facing with my studies now is my shitty foundation. I hope that someone can at least learn something from my mistake and not do what I did. Lastly, please forgive my overusage of the term 'shitty' and also the long and winding post.

Whatever good that you received from this came from Allah, and whatever bad came from me.

Assalamualaikum